stucked

I spend a good 2nd day of lunar new yr last nite, i visited stef family. I felt happy. I felt tt people actually knew and acred for me. I was smiling form the inside. Though years passed, people drift apart, but i am glad they still care. It made cyn a hell lot more comforting.

Godma was really welcoming too.. i felt that she was understanding and she cared from the heart.

I am thankful for those who still even know who i am and not to talk about caring whether i am alive?!

Today is day 3, its kinda draggy .. lazy.. but tts ok.. when evening came, i broke down. I felt i am not even a friend. M i transparent or am i a pest ?? Last word was: Fine! ... great.. how comfortin.

Maybe i am not understanding, having a fuck up family of my own, maybe i get jealous that people are a happy family or something. I dunno. Friends getting invited.. but this tiny me.. is being left out.. ON PURPOSE! how nice.... who understands me then?? who understands tt i m lonely and pathetic, with no real friends tt i can even pour my heart out to?

I really wanna hug my lil api tight and i wish she can tell me everythin is gonna be alright.. i m really hurt.

bad karma?

Yesterday was the 1st day of the lunar new yr~~... everyone should be happy and forgiving n etc.... but wells, i think i had the worst one hr of my life. totally regretted going visiting.

Eyes were all on me when i reach the place. All gave me a glare, like why did i even try to go visit?? a couple were friendly and greet me happy new yr. I hope they meant it. The smile drop to expressionless when i stepped intho the house. I went over to say Hi, happy new yr .. her eyes rolled and didnt even smile.

Only ah ma was friendly. All i dare to do is sit at the corner and wait for nothin to happen, wait for everone to leave that i can escape. At that moment, i wish i dissolve and disappear. I can see everyones disapproval when i was there.

What have i done wrong? i knew i hated cyn, why didnt i try to make my life simplier and happier by leaving sg.?i feel weak, no relatives to visit, no friends to visit... no friends to even hang out with! ..

is this what you call such a loser??

guess i m one.

CYN eve

Everythin has just gone bad bad bad for me. whats new? once yr luck is down.. its down.

I have been visiting this lil kitten at holland village for 2 days. She reminded me of api. Same shade fur colour.. except her face is less flat and her fur doesnt grow long like a persian cat. But nontherless, she is rather darling. She sits so comfortably in my arms that i cannot resist hugging n seeing her more.

On the other hand, my heart aches badly thinking of my lil pi. Last yr this time, api celebrated cyn with me. I wish i can spend more time with her.

That day a moth flew in n stayed in my mum room while i was having dinner, i imagine that it was api visiting me.. is tt her? or is tt my imagination? I miss u badly pi.

So anyways, while being too engrossed looking at lil kitten, i got a parking ticket fine! damn.. m i stupid or wat?? holland vi is auper tight with traffic police n all.. yet, i didnt know a 15 mins parking at the road side will cause a fine.

Bad luck.. go away.. i jus wan a simple life .. is tt too much to ask??

I am feelin down down...

Today, a colleague of mine, her husband passed away. Cause? well.. he collasped while chit chattin with her. Further investigation? Chronic respiratory problem.. but b4 tt.. it was bleeding from both the front n back.. so could it be kidney failure? .. he told no one abt the illness...

With tt, many many nurses and staff broke down this mornin.. drama day.. i broke down too.. for the words used .. i could relate to.. n tt got me really moody today.

All she said was:

Its my fault.. i did not know before hand... (tts y accidents happen, you do not know befor hand)

I want nothing else but my husband

why you leave me alone?

My world is over without you..

All these were words i said when api left me.. or i left her out in the cold.. leading to serious irrevesable tragedy.

I broke down.once again.

Another reason y i am sad was becasue i failed one module in school. I hate accountings... i knew i cannot do that paper.. but i wished i scrapped thru. well, i did not... damn it.. retaking a whole 3 months module... tt sucks big time!! what the fuck!

Anyways.... 2007 sucks!! time pls fly... is it my bad karma biting back at me?? argh.......sigh........