Same but different

Today i woke up.. not knowing my eye shields came off. Then i found them on the floor.. i guessed it dropped n my cats played with them. Oh wells... luckily post op check stated i was good to go.. away to bangkok. wahahaha..... gd gd gd..

With my new vision of 6/4.5 on a day 2.. i still seem a whole rim of blur n clear in the middle. It feels like wearing unclean contact lenses, a lil dry, a lil feel of the corners, yet all tt is left is thinner layer of tissues in my eye.. I hope day by day it will get less blur.. more HD(High definition).... heehee

My mum shoulder x ray shows that her disjoint parts were around 13mm by 8mm.. i forgot the medical names of the bones that disjoint.. but i feel worried about her possiblity of doing op. Doctor didnt seem any confident to make any decision.. suggest op yet uncertain seeking advice call from specialist.Fucking waited for 2 over hours and getting a screwed up junior doc. Thanks for sub. clinics. SO, tml my mum has to see another shoulder specialist. I hope they better give her good advice. But it just doesnt sound good... the pain won't really go off even after surgery.. all the surgery does is lessen the amount of pain. Shit.... sad. Y not give me the pain, at least it might heal faster. My mum was so worried hearing the word surgery, she was shivering while waiting for doc. So imagine the real op. I cant imagine.

It funny sometimes.. how people try to be someone they are not.. or is it that there is always 2 sides to a person, just depends on how they want to protray themselves to u? I wonder wonder wonder y.. ... I read the blog, i see one side, i talk to the person, i see the other side, yet i am confused after all, what is real? is there a real.. are both real or are both unreal or .... question marks all over. I know, we tend to hide the truth in order not to hurt others.. but hiding means hide everything rite? why leave bits n pieces for imagination to run wild. Fuck.

puzzled lil jj. need to rest.cant sleep.need to work.no mood for work.

I need to run.away run.away

fuck off leech

Do you find yourself having no one to talk to at times? seems like the whole world turn their back on you,seems like you are unwanted,unimportant,unnecessary.. .. .. well, i find myself like that every now and then. Maybe i am quick tempered such that no one can stand me, maybe my stubbornness kills off everyone around me.

People will always find ways and means to make situations better, make themselves feel better .. kill off jealousy and enviness with something else negative about the who or what to make themselves feel better mentally. I think i m struggling to make myself feel better.

I always think i am amongst the average kids, i never really work too hard, i never really try hard ... i am always jus the so-so average kid. But i really dont find myself that stupid, i know if i want to.. i try to.. i might be able to excel better. Just that.. i tell myself, there should be a balance shouldnt there? There should be fun in the midst of studying, relax in the midst of everyday work. Is that mentality wrong?

I jus had my lasik done.. my eyes hurt quite badly now.. not because of the surgery.. but because i cant control my emotions.. which lead to flooding. I often ask myself, why did my parents have me when they dislike me? m i unplanned for? unwanted from the start? I m sure i am not the only one out there with parents that just clash since birth, dislike forever and uncared for. Vice versa, those with rather caring parents, treat their parents like fuck. Either way, it sucks.

I truly remember and its always in my heart how much my parents had spent on me, my education, my laptop, my crappy old car maintianence, my housing... thats about all. Those are what they provide for all their kids. In fact i received the least from them. I know added up amount is not a small one.. but why treat me so unfairly? What have i done wrong to make you all hate me so much? I have not taken pocket money from u ever since 17 yrs old, what more you want from me? should i move out..away.. get out of your sight? i dun think you even care if i exist my dear parents!

How pain my heart is.. i dont think anyone knows.. nor can i describe or pretend i am immune to their way of treating me. I act strong, i act as if i ignore and pretend to look annoying and stubborn, so they leave me alone. But they do not know.. i suffer in silence.

Whats wrong with me? Enlighten me.. isnt there someone out there that shares the same thots? or at least tell me whats the RIGHT path.

Hurt, i m so hurt.. when the one close don't even understand, that hurts the deepest.

Good nite . I know no one else is hurt tonight.

XxxxX

Hoping..Wishing..Waiting..

In vail! .....

WELL, my sucky manager get never stops getting on ppl nerves! our deserved PH off day is determined by her.. why?!?! because she is a bitch. Its our offday.. why cant we decide for ourselves which is the best day to take a day off? ...Offical annual leave is so minimal... yet all these other claim time is determined by her.. what workers rights are there?!?! ...Maybe i am not in managerial post and i cant see from her point of view, whats the difficulty being a smart and capable leader who ppl under you respect and follow willingly. Arrrhhhh.... it sucks to be in screwed up management.

I have a list of things needed to be settled by this year.. fixing my eye sight.. fixing my wisdomzz.. fixing my accounting grades.. fixing my depression. So much to accomplish..so lil time. Leave has to be spilt by 5 colleagues.. yet i have to spilt into holidays leave..exams leave.. medical leave... its crazy! So hard to find the best solution. like the chinese says... walk a step and look a step... one step at a time.

Cant wait for next week... off for the weekend! yea yea..

tired.
J.J

My Saturday

I m tired. I think i m gonna have bad throat later when i wake up. sigh

Swollen face, swollen eyes, bloated tummy... y my infection virus jus cant leave me alone... "RECURRENT THROAT INFECTION" ... according to my doc... antibiotics didnt help me fight them? my temptation for snacks n fried food not helping me either ...gosh! My week filled up with craving for Calbee..Doritos..fried chicken..fried fish..fried sotong head.. i think i fried my throat now... feelin the burn now... a bit late to drown myself with the logenzes and pi pa gao...

I feel old. I cant handle late nites no more.. any event aft 12.. u see me constantly yawning.. slowly dozing off.. brains just cant function no more. This makes me feel kinda useless.. but late nites of drinks n suppers are killing me at the same time... fatness, tiredness, craziness... i m drained mentally n physically... oh no no.. so feelin like a granny.. need my routine.. 630am-11pm kind of timing.. EArly Bird i need to be.. tfine tune my body system ..... i should stop all the late nitez! hmm... tts boring....

Anyways, saturday has passed.. it has been a nice laid back evening thru to the wee hours of the nite.. But it was all good. I mean, Morning - Afternoon school was a total waste of time and a such a drag to even stay on in class listening to BUSINESS PROCESSES.. who the fuck cares about input thru to output .. But dinner was good.. Ice cream was bad.. Drinks were good.. company was excellent.. body system bad..therefore zombie me right here.. feeling the burn ... Anyhows... overall its jus all chill and nice..mellow.. love it.

I miss api.. every every day.. everytime i drive around singapore, i see dead animals ran over like a thousand times.. decomposing.. my heart aches..it just takes so much courage to even open api folder to look at her pics.. not to talk about her video.. till now, i still feel i need api.. i need to wake up seeing her, sleep beside her, hear her engine running, accompany me thru bad puking hang overs.. sometimes, i imagine she is still in my room, then i tell ola and boo... pls tell api i need her, tell her i miss her, tell her to stay hm, tell her i love her so so much. I am still hoping you return one day api... let me take care of u while u take care of me... Please

Sorries.. Sorrows.. Sores..

JJ

Dates... lost in translation

Up-dates..down-dates...Upsidedown-dates... come to think abt it.. I havent have a date in a long time! HEy D, i need a date.. Do something! .... com'on date me out! .

Anyhows, june came by n gone.. hectic last 2 weeks of june.. due to crappy school! i hate school more n more.. to the extend i dont even see the urgency in studying for exam. Exam monday.. i partied all saturday... ate dim sum on sunday.. felt guilty... read thru.. n basically.. SCREWED up my network paper on monday.... BIg Sighzzzzzzzzzz......................... totally sianz

So here come july.. time flies.. 'as UsUal'.. its 11th into the month of july..n yet, i m counting down till the end of month... TRavel Travel... relak relak! yeah....Its nice going away with friends tt are all so excited and keen about the trip.. its a rather short one.. but better than no travelling..suck in singapore.

My poor lil 14yrs old doggy... has no TLC....i guess no one in the family cares abt timo.. I bring him to the groomers sometimes.. but i feel so embrassed cos he is forever yellow instead of white.. ppl sure think i ill treat my doggy... So anyways, I brought him to the vet... took blood test... kidney ok..heart ok... liver not ok... teeth n gums very badly infected...ended up next day drip n had a dental surgery done up for him... its crazy how they mark up fees for pets... 2 days of vet costed me about 600 bucks, Oh my.... i got to be the driver, the care taker to bring to the vet, the money payer.. what else?! ..... who the hell cares?!?! .... Lookin at all the green algae teeth taken out.. i felt bad not bringing him any earlier.. Sorrie timo... i made you suffer. Oh wells, more antibiotics n reviews to come.. hope he heals up quick despite his age... Timo, Jia You.. yea yea

Today, i had a bad day at work. Had an hour long of nagging cos my manager does not want to apply my leave.. bottom line.. i think she hates me. I hate all the routine shit tt goes thru my everyday work.. the constant nagging from the clinic manager! I hate how you can compare non-medical staff like me to nurses t are of different standards! i hate how she pin point me at everything and anything.. if i am such a bad staff to have.. hint me to leave.. to quit... i seriously HATE the way she manage/ be in control.. fucking loser! If nurses are as smart as optoms... then change yr fucking course.. so you get a better job when you graduate.. dun fucking envy what you cant achieve..... fuckers!

Lonely. I feel like a loner again! .. i keep falling in and out of this depression mode! it sucks.. come on.. someone.. enlighten me... lead me to the bright n lited path...... oooommmmmmmmm.........

JJ ... sad,sleepy,sobz

Mid Week WedNesday

Time flies.. its almost coming to the weekend. Time seems to be never enuf. We seem to forever be blaming time.. not enough time=stress, too much time=bored, just enough time=still want more of it.. cos humans can be NEVER satisfied.. can we??

Just had tutorial at school. I ended at 10. So did the cleaner uncle at school. He was drinking hot lipton tea and chatting with the other cleaner lady. He looked tired from so many years of hard work.. he conversed in hokkien, telling the cleaner lady about unfairness.. probably politics at work. Politics is everywhere... work, friends,family... its scary. Individual thinks differently, the way we communicate causes many misinterpretation and end up misunderstandings occur. Maybe its our mood, our tone, our body language... everything plays a part.. yet all these politics are like killer virus.. unable to cure completely. Sigh.... Anyways, stop drifting away, i felt guilty, upset..etc.. mixed up after seeing the uncle and auntie in school. I think i never contribute to the society enough, i havent done much for people. Though i work in the hospital, i think i maybe do not provide enough or good enough help to service the patients. I am really upset with myself. So moody.

Today is a day full of thoughts.. full of negative thoughts... for i cannot think of anything good about me.

I think i am an average student, or maybe a little above average, or trying to outplay school and work too much that i am neither here nor there. M i plain stupid or plain lazy or both or cant be bothered or wasting money or what??? Is there a place for me to excel? to fulfill a lil more?I have no motivation to work harder.. try harder.. i make myself feel better by telling myself that i am balancing work and school and life. Its just hard to keep all 3 balanced!

There is this star award, gold award and silver award happening in the clinic. I thought about it, about how staff got their awards.. its purely favourtism from the clinic manger plus fakely orcing patients to write in good feedback and acting busy while not doing anything productive. Fuck tt. Seriously, these awards are so fake... scary how people out there try so hard to please their superiors and pretend and act some more and fake even more.... screw those Fake Fuckers!

Good Nite all..

Weekend has come by and gone.. its the nite fall once again and back to routine boring work week starting tomorrow morning. Big Big Sighs...
Anyhow, I opened up the parcel.. not waiting for 13th to arrive, n there you go.. a whole bundle of surprises! haha.. fish eye 2 and the coloured films and the coloured flash changer! Yeah.. so so happy.. thanks dd.. wink wink* ....


Hee... close up look..


Obviously, the rascals heck care what is inside the parcel.. all they want is to make the new box their latest toy.. in and out of the box and fighting each other... haha...

Grooming day! Time to torture/pamper the 2 of them.. brought them to holland for basic grooming.. nails ears belly .. total wash up plus spray of perfum!! hmmm.... nice n clean... for A DaY at least.

While i waited for them.. i spent my time getting some household thingys.. a new shower head .. new light bulbs... Shopping at vivo city.. its bad to shop.. make you spend and spend and feel guilty not spending.. feel guilty after spending. It totally Sucks... haha

Tangs at Vivo (Fitting room)

After Picking the rascals.. headed hm to do some changes... change of lights.. change of shower head.. trying my best to clean up my room... but as always failed to clear the messy mess!

Nite falls... loner lil jj didnt know what to do.. so.. after some thought.. i went out. Settled my dinner at TCC gallery at boat quay. I always pass by there but never been up there. Its actually quite a nice place to hang out with many friends all together.. unlike the usual TCC outlets.

That above was my dinner.. Banana Salmon medium done with mash below...

Want some?? cos i couldnt finish the whole piece....

After TCC, isabel ivan and me went down to dempsey.. for drinks.. Ended up not so much of drinking.. but food tasting!!

They serve yummy sausages


This below is Sinful.. couldnt resist not ordering upon seeing the picture. Once you start, you cant stop.. and the waiter even packed it into the container for those that we couldnt finish. haha.. nice nice!!

Above: Ivan, JJ, Isabella

Spencer and Ivan in the pic above

View from our table... not too bad yea? ...

Next stop: Party World Orchard....

It was isabel first time in singapore KTV... she liked it... Wanna be a singer she said!

Yawn yawn yawn.... either i am getting old or something, i cant seem to stay up late anymore.. At 4am.. i was like really exhausted! damn... system cant function like the youngsters no more.

Okie.. tts my update for saturday the 7th-8th of june 08....

TATAzzz

TGIF

Today i woke up with stiff neck.. but wats new?!?! i am not sure if its my lousy bed or my non useful support pillow tt is giving me problems..But i have a major stiff neck problem tt requires regular hard massages! tts how server it is... sigh

So the day began quite slow.. the usual eye checkings that stacks up.. until 1245pm .. it finally slowed down. Lazy afternoon with nothing much.. basically checking airfares and nice resorts in asia. I jus wanna travel with u dd... lets go away.... oh wells, me day dreaming away... .... xxxx


I m kinda slow.. but i finally went to watch Indiana Jones.. i love tt from young.. n watching it was really good. I heard many reviews tt were quite negative.. but isabel and me both agreed that it was overall a really GooD Movie to catch. HAahaa.. next up is KongFu Panda on Sunday with the kiddos.... hope it will be a good movie too xxxx


Going orchard is a horrible decision thou.. i spent quite a fair bit of time deciding on cinema this noon, whether to go cathay or Gv or Shaw... i chose orchard cathay in the end.. so ... shop shop shop as usual.. what else to do in orchard but eat n shop.. therefore... i spent money again... quite a bit... feeling the pinch now.. but couldnt resist the last piece n display.. xxxx

Brought isabel to ding tai fung.. cos she havent eaten there b4... i took pics of apetitizer n the Xiao Long Bao... but chit chat till i forgot to take our Dan CHow Fan! haha.... After which we went to Sony to try fix back my lil missin Q on the keypad.. no spare parts available and if i do change the whole damn thing.. it will cost me money.. hmm.. just hope spare Q is available.. i will only know on tuesday.. fingers crossed xxxx

Oh.. the highlight for today is my Parcel received.. hee... i didnt want to open it yet cos its meant to be a gift for 13th this month... YEt, the parcel details on the box gave it away.. Something i wanted for some time..Me so happy.. thanks DD.. u shouldnt have wasted yr money.. But i Love the prezziez... muahahahahaha.....

Good Nite DD.. cant sleep without hearing your voice..i cant imagine another 2 over months not seeing u.. i m tryin to think of a way but all the constraints.. argh! ... xxxx

OHwells, its the freaking weekend.. enjoys ppl.....

wtf

Today not much of updates.. had a moody day basically. No mood for anything..
Morning was rather busy, as usual.. who but me myself to get all the shit done. I really startin to get more and more annoyed with the rules n routines of my clinic. Afternoon was jus mood swings plus swining and swing swing. But at the very least, i got my late hand in tutorial done. One load off my busy buzziness..

Today i as warned no sandals to work. All the allied health doesnt wear all round covered shoes. Y just pin point me? Mine are pretty sandals?! and the fact is i do not just wear sandals everyday.. i do change..sometimes covered.. sometimes half covered..occasional heels.. a variety u know?! so wtf? i am not under customer service nor am i a counter staff.. i m OPTOMETRIST. The clinic manager has nothing better to do but looking at my feet? f. tt. Now they are asking for medical prove to certify that i am not able to put on covered shoes everyday.. so fine, i will get that done tomorrow to fucking shut their mouth brain ass. xxxxx

Nite came.. and guess wat?! rules n regulations in my own home. I seriously wish i can fuck all these bullshit and have a place of my own. Total Unfairness. Even parking of 3 bloody cars need to be in order..in the compound of my own home.. how crap is tt? who the f. look at the 3 pathetic cars? U mean someone is ineterested to see how my CeFIRO is parked in my carpark? dude, i am sure you have better things to manage than own cars in own home rite?! my.... so so pissed! xxxxx

Fuck the big area which has so lil privacy and space, fuck the old slow car that drinks petrol like water consumption, fuck their childish and selfish mentality.

I have attitude problem. I have some serious mental illness. What else that i have that i am not aware of?

Help me get out of here. All i wan is a space that i can freely move about, let my rascals live in peace, let my heart stop aching, my brain stop hurting, my eyes stop being sore. Pls help me.

Good nite to all. peace love hugs xxxxx

screamin in sadness

Too tired too angry too everythin. Bad nite it has been.. jj very upset.
Volcano erupted!
anyhows.. when is life EveR FaiR?! i m sure i will have fairness in other sense.. rite?
Pls dun leave me alone.
Y ppl out there have parents that tries to create fairness yet mine leaves me hangin to rot?
Y have me if u didnt want me? thats a question tt is forever lingering in my head.
Too weak to think about anythin now.. but my heart is crying..screaming..
Is there anyone Out There who can hear/feel/care for jj??
oh wells.. its the start of a brand new day.. cant wait to get this feeling over n hopefully done with.
Till tomorrow, good nites.

Dunno Dun Care

I guess if u ask me what have i been doing lately? i myself don't really know why time flew by so quickly with nothing much being accomplished.
Often we see on newspaper, magazines.. 50 gorgeous ppl, 50 men we love, etc etc.. all the success stories to boost up some confidence, to buck up and improve our lifes...but?! whats about the sad stories about the unfortunate or the below average people that are trying to make ends meet? Shouldnt we be contented and thankful for what we have?.. it just emphasises the fact that singaporeans choose to be ignorant about issues outside singapore. It seems that JB ban of petrol sales to singapore cars created a bigger discussion than cyclone or earthquarkes that are happening out of singapore.

Anyways, at this midnight hour, i am rather sleepy tired yet sad and unwell. I have been unwell for almost a month. Doctor cannot diagnose why i have been so down on my immune system.. i cant explain why i m so sick either.. ?!?! i wanna tell them so badly.. i m not here for a bloody piece of mc.. i jus wanna get well and get going.. It has affected me quite a bit.. no energy to be up and about.. no time to do anythin but to feel sick be sick and not well from being sick. It really sucks... i feel so sickly that mentally its affecting me. Anyhows, i think i am starting to get better... hope its a good sign.

Api api api.. i miss my api. Saw her friend across the street that night.. i shouted : Api, are you there? are you playing with your friend? I somehow have not wake up on the idea that she left me. I am still hoping she come home someday.. to greet me .. to be with me. Its been months, i dare not look the video of api, i finally looked at it again.. i broke down again. Even watching my hk serials made me miss her. The way they protrayed those not in time to save someone.. regretted being late.. i broke down. Useless jj .. i try, i pretend to be strong.. but my heart is weak..maybe the brain is linked up with the eyes, but i guess tears link up with the heart.. when your heart aches.. your tears just overflow and flood yr brain up with images of sadness hurt pain past happiness.

School..what about school?! School is rather meaningless for i do not need the cert that might be in my hands next year. I feel sorry that i wasted my parents money to study this course. I do not enjoy business, i do not like the modules i study, i can scrape thru.. but i cant excel.. i am not sure if i am jus always an average student, or am i just lazy .. or am i just not cut out for studying.Future still still but a blur.. present is filled with my day to day screw ups. I think i am getting a little cranky. People get a degree to help in their career..i try to get a degree for this is the only course my dad reluctantly fork out money to let me study. Why does the rich kids get to study but they don't study.. yet those that want to study either do not meet the grades or just no luck with money. I feel some part of me never give up trying to get back into sciences. It was my wish to want to get into medicine school, my parents did not give me an opportunity.i lost my track. neither did my parents educate me on options or pathways to take..from all my mistakes.. i learn the hard way. So now, being so old with no accomplishments,everything is a blur. What can you do with a 30k paper that is worthless? i feel i am such a joke!

So many issues, so many problems.. i try to be ignorant and lead a simple life .. but every once in a while.. i go crazy. I feel miserable.. like now! I cant sleep.. i have a bad body and neck ache.. plus heart ache too! i know api will make me feel better if she is here..

Good nite api, good nite dd, good nite ola and boo.. good nite world.may everyone find their inner peace

stucked

I spend a good 2nd day of lunar new yr last nite, i visited stef family. I felt happy. I felt tt people actually knew and acred for me. I was smiling form the inside. Though years passed, people drift apart, but i am glad they still care. It made cyn a hell lot more comforting.

Godma was really welcoming too.. i felt that she was understanding and she cared from the heart.

I am thankful for those who still even know who i am and not to talk about caring whether i am alive?!

Today is day 3, its kinda draggy .. lazy.. but tts ok.. when evening came, i broke down. I felt i am not even a friend. M i transparent or am i a pest ?? Last word was: Fine! ... great.. how comfortin.

Maybe i am not understanding, having a fuck up family of my own, maybe i get jealous that people are a happy family or something. I dunno. Friends getting invited.. but this tiny me.. is being left out.. ON PURPOSE! how nice.... who understands me then?? who understands tt i m lonely and pathetic, with no real friends tt i can even pour my heart out to?

I really wanna hug my lil api tight and i wish she can tell me everythin is gonna be alright.. i m really hurt.

bad karma?

Yesterday was the 1st day of the lunar new yr~~... everyone should be happy and forgiving n etc.... but wells, i think i had the worst one hr of my life. totally regretted going visiting.

Eyes were all on me when i reach the place. All gave me a glare, like why did i even try to go visit?? a couple were friendly and greet me happy new yr. I hope they meant it. The smile drop to expressionless when i stepped intho the house. I went over to say Hi, happy new yr .. her eyes rolled and didnt even smile.

Only ah ma was friendly. All i dare to do is sit at the corner and wait for nothin to happen, wait for everone to leave that i can escape. At that moment, i wish i dissolve and disappear. I can see everyones disapproval when i was there.

What have i done wrong? i knew i hated cyn, why didnt i try to make my life simplier and happier by leaving sg.?i feel weak, no relatives to visit, no friends to visit... no friends to even hang out with! ..

is this what you call such a loser??

guess i m one.

CYN eve

Everythin has just gone bad bad bad for me. whats new? once yr luck is down.. its down.

I have been visiting this lil kitten at holland village for 2 days. She reminded me of api. Same shade fur colour.. except her face is less flat and her fur doesnt grow long like a persian cat. But nontherless, she is rather darling. She sits so comfortably in my arms that i cannot resist hugging n seeing her more.

On the other hand, my heart aches badly thinking of my lil pi. Last yr this time, api celebrated cyn with me. I wish i can spend more time with her.

That day a moth flew in n stayed in my mum room while i was having dinner, i imagine that it was api visiting me.. is tt her? or is tt my imagination? I miss u badly pi.

So anyways, while being too engrossed looking at lil kitten, i got a parking ticket fine! damn.. m i stupid or wat?? holland vi is auper tight with traffic police n all.. yet, i didnt know a 15 mins parking at the road side will cause a fine.

Bad luck.. go away.. i jus wan a simple life .. is tt too much to ask??

I am feelin down down...

Today, a colleague of mine, her husband passed away. Cause? well.. he collasped while chit chattin with her. Further investigation? Chronic respiratory problem.. but b4 tt.. it was bleeding from both the front n back.. so could it be kidney failure? .. he told no one abt the illness...

With tt, many many nurses and staff broke down this mornin.. drama day.. i broke down too.. for the words used .. i could relate to.. n tt got me really moody today.

All she said was:

Its my fault.. i did not know before hand... (tts y accidents happen, you do not know befor hand)

I want nothing else but my husband

why you leave me alone?

My world is over without you..

All these were words i said when api left me.. or i left her out in the cold.. leading to serious irrevesable tragedy.

I broke down.once again.

Another reason y i am sad was becasue i failed one module in school. I hate accountings... i knew i cannot do that paper.. but i wished i scrapped thru. well, i did not... damn it.. retaking a whole 3 months module... tt sucks big time!! what the fuck!

Anyways.... 2007 sucks!! time pls fly... is it my bad karma biting back at me?? argh.......sigh........

i should. would. i could

This week has gone by real slow.. suddenly..i wish time fly pass faster.. hurry hurry... time.. fly fly fly pls!

Its hard to go everywhere n anywhere without the thot f u my love.... api.. i want nothin.. i wan u to be a happy fat fat cat.. i miss kissing hugging sleeping with u.

Well, here is a poem sent to me by my friend.. its really sweet..

this is for u api.....

She's my alarm clock in the morning,
she's my friend and companion at night.
And in all the in-between timesshe's never out of my sight.
It's such a lovely feelingto know she depends on me
for her food and warmth and shelter
so she gives me her love to see.
She plays with her toys; plays hide and seek,
she's become the boss of the house!
Yet she has more fun with a walnut shell than she does with a catnip mouse!
The pleasure she gives me is a treasure.
She greets me when I come in the door.
She seems to say "I've been lonesome,so please don't go out anymore!
"She's my delight, my friend and my prankster.
She pounces and jumps up real highfor a ball of yarn
or a wiggly stringwith a purr or a soft little cry.
She washes her face after eating,
keeps her striped fur clean and sleek.
Then she jumps on my lap for approval
and then curls up to sleep.
So I wouldn't give up my kitty
for the world and all of its' gold.
'Cause if my kitty weren't with me
this world would be awfully cold!

Somehow, all that are close are leaving me.. i know there is always a time we need to say goodbye.. but i still living in denial.

Yang yang, my dear friend in clinic is leaving for hm.. to uk..tts far... i really wish i have my lunch buddy close to me.

Dion is leaving me in 3 weeks...

Api left way too soon...

Who else is leaving me? ....

API: I wanna grow old with u

Ain't she lovely? She's my lil api

Today, my world crumbled down on me. My heart broke. I woke up in shock having the worst day that can ever happen to me till this day in my life. The lost of api.

Api is 1yr n 11mths old. Its her 2nd birthday in weeks to come, 15th february. But she departed before celebratig it.

I cannot accept the fact that she has gone. I know its my fault that she is dead. I never bring her home to safety. Why must the asshole driver speed? Why must you kill such an intelligence lil cat. Why did i fall asleep without checking that my baby is safe at home on her bed?

Now i have to live in pain and loneliness without her around me.

She has been so faithful to me, accompany me to bed, waking me up in the mornings, waiting for me to come home in the evenings, watch tv together and share food and drinks together.

I really want and wish to grow old with api, giving her love and comfort. I want to bring her everywhere and anywhere i go? Y she left me?!Y i abandon her out in the cold last nite?

I cant forgive my mistake, i cant accept the fact that i cant feel her presence anymore, i cant close my eyes knowing she is not sleeping beside me.

I love u so so much api, i miss u. I want u to come home, i want nothin but u api. Come home to mummy cos i cant afford to lose u. Can u hear me??

Api, u r the sweetest thing ever that happen to me. U love me and care for me and u always around me. I m sorry that i am useless and thoughtless. I brought harm upon u.

No one can ever replace api.. my world crashed.