Allergic reaction

Totally dusty.... !! Stef room is in such a mess... i just cant take the dust..

Well, being kind hearted .. thinking she cant sleep if i dont accompany to... i went to stay over at her house. But damn.. her room was so so dirty n full of dust. Wonder when was the last time she was ever HOME!! i was super super tired.. in fact, i slept on her car. First thing i went to her room, i pulled out the sofa bed n fell asleep. Next thing i woke up.. i took off my contacts n went to bathe.. My eyes were all sore red n teary n very very itchy!! its hurts quite a bit.. but i was too tired to care.. therefore i went to bed thinking i could jus bear with it.. n all would be fine in the morning.

But.. OMG... when i woke up.. my eyes were all red.. n my left eye.. swell up so badly. I mean.. i m suppose to be a primary eye care person.. yet i myself got so shocked! My white part of the eye swell so badly tt my cornea(brown) part of it.. looks indented!! n my whole eye lids area swell n felt very very painful.. n in fact the white part of my eye turned yellow.. n on top of all tt... it kept tearing non stop... BAD BA BAD condition.

I woke stef up n she accompanied me to Optometry centre to check my eyes.. i was down with severe chemosis .. episcleritis. All the terms sound familiar.. but i forgot wats tt.. haha!! so.. my lecturer.. wrote me a referral letter to help cure my pain asap...n asked me to go to the a & e department at NUH.

Best of all.. i could still go orchard n have lunch..did a little shopping before i got myself to the hospital.. wondered wat the ppl om the streets think of my eye!??!?!!!! ..haha

So .. i went to NUH... my god.. the queue was so bloodly long... the estimated waiting time was 2 to 2 1/2 hrs... I hate to wait.. but no choice had to... But .. who knows.... half way thru waiting.. my sister told me i could have gone to private hospital.. suddenly.. i felt so stupid.. wasted so much time waiting... plus.. the doctor there was so totally lousy.. know nuts about eyes..hurting both my eyes!! crap!!! Ended up i wasted like 4hrs at the place n wasted 80 plus bucks... wats tt man...

Bad day for me.. eyes were not doing well.. n my body was aching n i was coughing away.... Bad luck i must say....

M i too persistent or plain stubbon n stuck up ... ??

Since ages ago.. i just wish i can have a place i call my own.. to be able to support myself.. but i always try to hide my inner feelings and just quietly accept my fate.. in which it seemed to be in my parents hands.. but hell with it.. all they ever did.. were to destroy my confidence n making me feel that i m better off not having them to corrupt my mindset. DAMN!

I tried very hard to maintain a more peaceful environment by keeping my opinons to the minimum n not voicing out any real unhappiness i have.. yet, i guess they are just getting me for granted.. only selectively hear and see the things they want to..thinking i will be afraid of them forever!... the fact is, i m not the least afraid of them.. not afraid of them scolding me, hitting me or wat.. i dont care about making them 'lose face' .. but i jus keep silence to show respect for the elders..

R.E.S.P.E.C.T .. wats that?? that is something that all men deserve if they work hard for it n earn it.. not used for useless shit bums that does not deserve it. SoooOOooooo..... if one does nothing to deserve any respect.. jus dont give it to them.. for they will take things for granted . Thats exactly what i have done wrong for so many years.. i gave them respect they don't deserve.. Thats a total mistake.. n that is why i m persistent about my very own decision.. not to give in to their nonsense.. m i wrong? it gets very out of hand once my mind start thinking of all the posibilities of life in the near future.. my ideas of present future may sound crazy to people.. but all i can say.. its not out of anger that i made the decisions.. n of cos, i cant be certain that my decisions are right... M i just way too stubbon..blaming all around me except myself or should i follow the way i feel n go for what i feel is right???? damn damn damn....... Confused ..

Drama MaMa

TODAY, a friend of mine told me.. i m somewhat living a drama life.. with unresonable parents, disgusting brother n many fights n disputes going on in my life recently.. Maybe, like he had mentioned.. my family watched way too many HK serials that lead to the very dramatic situation i m in now.. basically almost homeless n rather pathetic. haizzz

If life is so drama mama, then perhaps every scene can be plotted n take NG shots n repeat into something better.. but in reality.. life is worse than dramas.. u can't change anything.. can't choose an ending of preference.. can't plan what to be filmed into our very own life. ZzzzZZzzz..big big SIGHzz***

Rewind rewind rewind.. i is not such a bad word after all... minus off the negative meaning of it.. i mean.. if one can rewind from all the painful memories.. away from all the miseries.. tts still good... then it would be like a load off the chest.. easier to breathe.. easier to cheer up the inner soul...

Imperfections,Commitments...

Must life be full of imperfections? I agree that life can never be totally perfect but i dont think it is too much to ask for litle little happiness in life to perfect each day. Each day just seem to add on to the already heavy burden.. adding on to the inner unhappiness.. in this way, i dont see how one can try to perfect their day to day life. So totally pathetic..

Everyday, we r filled with different commitments.. commit to perform different tasks that takes on us. What is commitment? Is it something that people are willing to give or just commiting for the sake of routinary daily life .. an excuse to continue each day?! no idea!

I mean, whats the point of commiting to something or someone if one is not willing to do so? Just like being forced to study or work.. if one is unhappy with their day to day activities.. its misery and that adds on to become a huge burden in life. Or just like being force to commit to someone, if the feeling isn't right, if its not done out of love.. commitment is totally wrong! It would be more like a chore than an enjoyment/ fulfilment to commit out of caring n respecting that special someone..

Does it mean no commitment=freedom + flings? It curious me. **

*To me, No commitment just means having more time to think about a proper future..to think of a better way to lead a more fulfilling life.. but wat does it mean to others? more fun n freedom or that people are just too pre occupied with their own life.. having no time left for others..no room to include someone else to lead a new life together?!?!?! i don't understand, its fustrating.

* I don't think no commitment gives people the chance of being able to flirt around, be with anyone you want without thinking of any consequences. i guess avoiding commitment is to try to shrink responsibility.. avoiding reality.. n thats merely out of immature thinking.

Misunderstood..

Its powerful how words can be twisted n changed into some totally different meaning and people interpret them in some ways you didnt try to mean.. tts really what you call..Mizzz--understooD!

It is also really scary how the mind and heart works.. they seem to be good buddies and yet enemies at times. They contradict in many ways..its confusing..!! Sometimes..your heart feels something..but yet the brain may generate the feeling into somehow..a different idea and thats how people get all messed up emotionally .. its haye wire inside out.. n thats a sad case.It is hard to choose which to follow..the instinct or the logic from the so-called functioning brain! tedious..complex..n totally unreasonable.

'Stressed out'..this cause alot of changes to the mind n body..makes one experience so much at one shot..making people worn out of their energy n lose the sense of speech..thats so so bad.. i need to .. I need To.. I NEED TO.. totally TOTALLY ... ^^Wipped Out^^ ...Wipe Out all the cranky emotions and the F**K up life.. to become the same old brand new me.. it would be great i guess.. being happy inside out n leading a totally new/newer life.. Oh..i cannot WAIT til that bright day starts..

H33h33.. where should i even begin? ..seems like 'talking big'

rewind..

Rewind.. this word just suddenly hit me..
My heart is aching so badly.. i m so so bad at handling relationships.. or sustaining them. Oh my, i want to leave the life i have been leading.. i want to change my life into a better one. But, i m lost..i dunno where to begin the change.. can i ever change? ...

These few months..everything just stArted to slowly rewind from me.. all the sweetness, all the happiness, all the love i thought i was holding on!

Today is a pretty bad day for me.. i m so thankful i have all those i hold dear with me..supporting me..

i need help.. i really need help at this point in life, i wish to let that someone know.. i need him to be around me.. yet, i cant.. for if i told him.. he might pity me n try to patronise me .. but i dun wan that pity.. i rather try to stand on my own n help myself out.. its hard.. i m mentally breaking down ..who can i ever turn to??!!!!.. totally crazy.. sighzzzz

Losses

Everyone experiences loss in their life. Losing something or someone may either change our life for the better for vice versa..for the worse, i feel it varies from the two extreme ends!! Ups and downs..life is indeed full of hiccups. I do wish i could be led into a more direct path in life..so that i would not be as lost as how i m currently.

I guess losses are actually helpful..they build character and mind..craft people to become a better human beings and live life well. I feel there is always a relationship between things and people,like a cycle. When You lose something, u will gain another.. n if u gain something, u lose something in return..it just goes round n round.

So, a little suggestion to myself n people around.. :everyone shouldn't give up hope just yet..look on the bright side ..for happiness follows after all the sorrow/loss/pain .. ciao!