A fresh start...

July, the next half of the year has begun. I am two months away from turning 30 and maybe some hormonal changes are making me rather emotional.

I had spent the last two over years trying to figure out my love relationship. I have been finding excuses to love then to not love and then struggle to strike a balance with what I really want from it all.

I think I am beginning to understand the fact that being alone is better than being in the wrong relationship. I guess wrong relationships are part of the whole experience, but it literally and emotionally aged me. I am getting so tired of myself being scared of having nothing to look forward to at the end of the day and going through the insomnia phase again.

I think I need a fresh start; I need to know my focus, what specific qualities I want to find from a man I wish to spend the rest of my life with… that’s if this person is ever going to appear in my life. I had put myself down so low this past two years, I am immune to my own excuses and I wonder how many repeated mistakes it cost to finally get out of it all. 

focus focus focus... ....

Dream a little Dream

its been a long time since i last wrote to myself thru this channel. sometimes talking to yourself is maybe the best idea because who really cares how you feel in the modern day and life. Everyone is caught up in their life, everyone wants to talk then who will listen?

i really have no idea what got into me this last couple of years. i went into a relationship that i was unclear of and went on losing myself in the process. i think i want to be in a  hopelessly romantic relationship yet a sensible practical guy  to be able to love me and provide for me. Where to find such a guy? 

i start to question myself now why i hang on for such a long time? do i really love this person so much that i totally changed into someone i am not? did i persist because i think i can make this imperfect relationship work out in the end? or am i too lazy to look for love anymore? 

if i have a low tolerance level then maybe i have an even low persistence level. i thought i had it figured out by day 03 and by day 04 i begged for love. How pathetic and desperate? i felt so embarrassed. i have never been so desperate in my life. it's now day 06 and i wish to scream out I MISS U! I REALLY LOVE U ... you hurt me so bad.  

maybe i watch so many hk dramas and secretly i wish the guy will come running to me and tell me that everything will be ok, we can work things out together and get through this. all i want is a LONG LONG HUG. i don't want to cry myself to sleep every night or drink and take pills to catch some minimal rest. 

so many thoughts run through my head and i wish i am ok by now... yet i am still far from being ok. 

say nighty night and kiss me... just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me... while im alone and blue as can be... dream a little dream of me.

GOOD NITE

Same but different

Today i woke up.. not knowing my eye shields came off. Then i found them on the floor.. i guessed it dropped n my cats played with them. Oh wells... luckily post op check stated i was good to go.. away to bangkok. wahahaha..... gd gd gd..

With my new vision of 6/4.5 on a day 2.. i still seem a whole rim of blur n clear in the middle. It feels like wearing unclean contact lenses, a lil dry, a lil feel of the corners, yet all tt is left is thinner layer of tissues in my eye.. I hope day by day it will get less blur.. more HD(High definition).... heehee

My mum shoulder x ray shows that her disjoint parts were around 13mm by 8mm.. i forgot the medical names of the bones that disjoint.. but i feel worried about her possiblity of doing op. Doctor didnt seem any confident to make any decision.. suggest op yet uncertain seeking advice call from specialist.Fucking waited for 2 over hours and getting a screwed up junior doc. Thanks for sub. clinics. SO, tml my mum has to see another shoulder specialist. I hope they better give her good advice. But it just doesnt sound good... the pain won't really go off even after surgery.. all the surgery does is lessen the amount of pain. Shit.... sad. Y not give me the pain, at least it might heal faster. My mum was so worried hearing the word surgery, she was shivering while waiting for doc. So imagine the real op. I cant imagine.

It funny sometimes.. how people try to be someone they are not.. or is it that there is always 2 sides to a person, just depends on how they want to protray themselves to u? I wonder wonder wonder y.. ... I read the blog, i see one side, i talk to the person, i see the other side, yet i am confused after all, what is real? is there a real.. are both real or are both unreal or .... question marks all over. I know, we tend to hide the truth in order not to hurt others.. but hiding means hide everything rite? why leave bits n pieces for imagination to run wild. Fuck.

puzzled lil jj. need to rest.cant sleep.need to work.no mood for work.

I need to run.away run.away

fuck off leech

Do you find yourself having no one to talk to at times? seems like the whole world turn their back on you,seems like you are unwanted,unimportant,unnecessary.. .. .. well, i find myself like that every now and then. Maybe i am quick tempered such that no one can stand me, maybe my stubbornness kills off everyone around me.

People will always find ways and means to make situations better, make themselves feel better .. kill off jealousy and enviness with something else negative about the who or what to make themselves feel better mentally. I think i m struggling to make myself feel better.

I always think i am amongst the average kids, i never really work too hard, i never really try hard ... i am always jus the so-so average kid. But i really dont find myself that stupid, i know if i want to.. i try to.. i might be able to excel better. Just that.. i tell myself, there should be a balance shouldnt there? There should be fun in the midst of studying, relax in the midst of everyday work. Is that mentality wrong?

I jus had my lasik done.. my eyes hurt quite badly now.. not because of the surgery.. but because i cant control my emotions.. which lead to flooding. I often ask myself, why did my parents have me when they dislike me? m i unplanned for? unwanted from the start? I m sure i am not the only one out there with parents that just clash since birth, dislike forever and uncared for. Vice versa, those with rather caring parents, treat their parents like fuck. Either way, it sucks.

I truly remember and its always in my heart how much my parents had spent on me, my education, my laptop, my crappy old car maintianence, my housing... thats about all. Those are what they provide for all their kids. In fact i received the least from them. I know added up amount is not a small one.. but why treat me so unfairly? What have i done wrong to make you all hate me so much? I have not taken pocket money from u ever since 17 yrs old, what more you want from me? should i move out..away.. get out of your sight? i dun think you even care if i exist my dear parents!

How pain my heart is.. i dont think anyone knows.. nor can i describe or pretend i am immune to their way of treating me. I act strong, i act as if i ignore and pretend to look annoying and stubborn, so they leave me alone. But they do not know.. i suffer in silence.

Whats wrong with me? Enlighten me.. isnt there someone out there that shares the same thots? or at least tell me whats the RIGHT path.

Hurt, i m so hurt.. when the one close don't even understand, that hurts the deepest.

Good nite . I know no one else is hurt tonight.

XxxxX

Hoping..Wishing..Waiting..

In vail! .....

WELL, my sucky manager get never stops getting on ppl nerves! our deserved PH off day is determined by her.. why?!?! because she is a bitch. Its our offday.. why cant we decide for ourselves which is the best day to take a day off? ...Offical annual leave is so minimal... yet all these other claim time is determined by her.. what workers rights are there?!?! ...Maybe i am not in managerial post and i cant see from her point of view, whats the difficulty being a smart and capable leader who ppl under you respect and follow willingly. Arrrhhhh.... it sucks to be in screwed up management.

I have a list of things needed to be settled by this year.. fixing my eye sight.. fixing my wisdomzz.. fixing my accounting grades.. fixing my depression. So much to accomplish..so lil time. Leave has to be spilt by 5 colleagues.. yet i have to spilt into holidays leave..exams leave.. medical leave... its crazy! So hard to find the best solution. like the chinese says... walk a step and look a step... one step at a time.

Cant wait for next week... off for the weekend! yea yea..

tired.
J.J

My Saturday

I m tired. I think i m gonna have bad throat later when i wake up. sigh

Swollen face, swollen eyes, bloated tummy... y my infection virus jus cant leave me alone... "RECURRENT THROAT INFECTION" ... according to my doc... antibiotics didnt help me fight them? my temptation for snacks n fried food not helping me either ...gosh! My week filled up with craving for Calbee..Doritos..fried chicken..fried fish..fried sotong head.. i think i fried my throat now... feelin the burn now... a bit late to drown myself with the logenzes and pi pa gao...

I feel old. I cant handle late nites no more.. any event aft 12.. u see me constantly yawning.. slowly dozing off.. brains just cant function no more. This makes me feel kinda useless.. but late nites of drinks n suppers are killing me at the same time... fatness, tiredness, craziness... i m drained mentally n physically... oh no no.. so feelin like a granny.. need my routine.. 630am-11pm kind of timing.. EArly Bird i need to be.. tfine tune my body system ..... i should stop all the late nitez! hmm... tts boring....

Anyways, saturday has passed.. it has been a nice laid back evening thru to the wee hours of the nite.. But it was all good. I mean, Morning - Afternoon school was a total waste of time and a such a drag to even stay on in class listening to BUSINESS PROCESSES.. who the fuck cares about input thru to output .. But dinner was good.. Ice cream was bad.. Drinks were good.. company was excellent.. body system bad..therefore zombie me right here.. feeling the burn ... Anyhows... overall its jus all chill and nice..mellow.. love it.

I miss api.. every every day.. everytime i drive around singapore, i see dead animals ran over like a thousand times.. decomposing.. my heart aches..it just takes so much courage to even open api folder to look at her pics.. not to talk about her video.. till now, i still feel i need api.. i need to wake up seeing her, sleep beside her, hear her engine running, accompany me thru bad puking hang overs.. sometimes, i imagine she is still in my room, then i tell ola and boo... pls tell api i need her, tell her i miss her, tell her to stay hm, tell her i love her so so much. I am still hoping you return one day api... let me take care of u while u take care of me... Please

Sorries.. Sorrows.. Sores..

JJ

Dates... lost in translation

Up-dates..down-dates...Upsidedown-dates... come to think abt it.. I havent have a date in a long time! HEy D, i need a date.. Do something! .... com'on date me out! .

Anyhows, june came by n gone.. hectic last 2 weeks of june.. due to crappy school! i hate school more n more.. to the extend i dont even see the urgency in studying for exam. Exam monday.. i partied all saturday... ate dim sum on sunday.. felt guilty... read thru.. n basically.. SCREWED up my network paper on monday.... BIg Sighzzzzzzzzzz......................... totally sianz

So here come july.. time flies.. 'as UsUal'.. its 11th into the month of july..n yet, i m counting down till the end of month... TRavel Travel... relak relak! yeah....Its nice going away with friends tt are all so excited and keen about the trip.. its a rather short one.. but better than no travelling..suck in singapore.

My poor lil 14yrs old doggy... has no TLC....i guess no one in the family cares abt timo.. I bring him to the groomers sometimes.. but i feel so embrassed cos he is forever yellow instead of white.. ppl sure think i ill treat my doggy... So anyways, I brought him to the vet... took blood test... kidney ok..heart ok... liver not ok... teeth n gums very badly infected...ended up next day drip n had a dental surgery done up for him... its crazy how they mark up fees for pets... 2 days of vet costed me about 600 bucks, Oh my.... i got to be the driver, the care taker to bring to the vet, the money payer.. what else?! ..... who the hell cares?!?! .... Lookin at all the green algae teeth taken out.. i felt bad not bringing him any earlier.. Sorrie timo... i made you suffer. Oh wells, more antibiotics n reviews to come.. hope he heals up quick despite his age... Timo, Jia You.. yea yea

Today, i had a bad day at work. Had an hour long of nagging cos my manager does not want to apply my leave.. bottom line.. i think she hates me. I hate all the routine shit tt goes thru my everyday work.. the constant nagging from the clinic manager! I hate how you can compare non-medical staff like me to nurses t are of different standards! i hate how she pin point me at everything and anything.. if i am such a bad staff to have.. hint me to leave.. to quit... i seriously HATE the way she manage/ be in control.. fucking loser! If nurses are as smart as optoms... then change yr fucking course.. so you get a better job when you graduate.. dun fucking envy what you cant achieve..... fuckers!

Lonely. I feel like a loner again! .. i keep falling in and out of this depression mode! it sucks.. come on.. someone.. enlighten me... lead me to the bright n lited path...... oooommmmmmmmm.........

JJ ... sad,sleepy,sobz